Our Weekly Ten: 10 Romantic Songs Gone Wrong

13/02/2013 19:18

Oh yes! The Valentine’s Day is closing in on us and it’s high time we got our rose-tinted glasses on and celebrated the holiday of love. On that occasion we bring you a list of the sweetest melodies for all you romantic souls out there, recycling no more than four chords over and over again. But be careful, these "jewels" show how good intentions can take a bad turn in no time.

10. Grenade by Bruno Mars

Let’s begin with a time-proven classic. As the title suggests, this is not a typical love song. Your love interest can be a dynamite-girl, but if you feel the need to profess your love by jumping in front of trains or taking bullets through your brain, you'd rather think about a romantic get-away to a mental institution.

 

9. Call me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

I know it’s almost a year since this song came out, but it’s still a pretty crazy love story. You're minding your own business while standing at your living room window and suddenly there's a hot half-naked bodybuilder with sexy tattoos mowing your lawn. There is simply nothing more obvious to do than to dress in a curtain, find 5 people pretending to be playing musical instruments and sing in your garage to be called, maybe. Maybe called by Maybe Jepsen? Hmm, either way, NO!

 

8. I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift

Don’t worry, the “sung” part of the song starts after two excruciating minutes of Swift’s „deep soul-searching monologue“. Then you get to enjoy the drown-ing-ing-ing-ing and see-ee-ee-ee the singer touch a light bulb and a dirty sink, since these obviously represent her lost love (duh). I truly believe that a 23-year-old pop-star that has dated probably every handsome Hollywood guy within 100-mile radius can deal with the enormous pain (and probably stuttering) only by singing what trouble, trouble, trouble they were when they walked in. And, is it just me or is this really a copy of Rihanna’s We found love, only with fewer lyrics?

 

7. Boyfriend by Justin Bieber

We’re keeping it young. Justin is 18, singing from a mirror in your hand that is supposed to be a phone and "has money to spend on you and take you places". Probably not the best love confession to sing to minors, in case any responsible parents are around. Then the boy tops it by "never letting you go“. Isn’t captivity for the rest of your life the sweetest thing ever?

 

6. Kiss You by One Direction

Again this song starts with this “taking you there” theme. Have teenage girls lost their ability to walk? Because watching the video I gathered that boy-bands have lost their ability to dance and apparently standing around or sitting is just good enough now.

 

5. When I Look at You by Miley Cyrus

Listen carefully. This whole song could actually be dedicated to a lighthouse. I know metaphors, analogies, poetic language and most recently randomly placed pianos are used for the sake of art, but taken at face value: “It’s beautiful, light in the dark, when waves are flooding the shore...”. There is a name for these feelings – objectophilia! And Miley, no wonder your life is tough when you don’t wear any shoes. Thank Goodness you found a gorgeous blonde who is easy on the eye.

 

4. Give Your Heart a Break by Demi Lovato

This one is really freaky. Because giving your heart a break is actually a rather poetic death threat. Just think about it. In the second line she knows that since the day you met, you were scared. The crazy girl wants to pause/stop your heart for a while. Let her do that and then her lips will be around yours, since she will probably be giving you mouth-to-mouth. Only to kill you again afterwards! Why do you think she is wearing gloves in the video? Muhahaha.

 

3. I Found You by The Wanted

Because walking a dog in summer takes five guys in trenchcoats. Just kidding, the dog actually sniffs out the abducted girl in a basement (that must be one strong smell). But the title says “I” so the song is essentially sung by the dog. That is the true love story here since in the end the guys abandon the hottie for diamonds anyway. And you thought that old single ladies were supposed to have cats...

 

2. Distance by Christina Perri feat. Jason Mraz

Not much of a love title, but still a tender song. You just have to remember that this poor missy gets the cold from ice in your souls so it’s only logical she’s keeping away. And then she wonders why her man doesn’t listen – he just can’t hear you, dear! That is when she looks at Jason Mraz and asks him romantically: “How long can we keep this up?” To which he responds with a long “uuuu-p”. (*please try to imagine the scene without the sexual innuendo)

 

1. Super Bass by Nicki Minaj

Apparently, Nicki’s heart is pounding boom, boom, boom. Let’s hope it’s love and not arrhythmia. Unfortunately, I don’t have any more clever comments probably because my brain automatically turned itself off after the chorus to prevent further damage.

 

So you've heard that love is difficult, even more so, if put into words. Sometimes it is easily confused with stalking or killing the object of your desires and sometimes it makes you look like a complete idiot. If you decide to spend your Valentine's Day with your partner, friends or a favourite cat, please don’t listen to any of the songs listed here.

 

Eva Majerčiaková

 

Comments:

Date: 03/09/2014

By: Bella

Subject: Thank you..

This is the song i sing on my first Consert from my old school,Center for pop at Music Museum,Green Hills San Juan
Amazing song,,

Date: 13/02/2013

By: Daniela

Subject: interesting choice...

But I believe there is nothing wrong with Nicki Minaj's song. It's equally bad as almost every song of such genre nowadays.

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